If you were a mom, say around my age, and your missionary son, say around my son's age, wanted to come home because he was experiencing, say the "d" word some of us deal with, what would you do? Feel free to talk this, say hypothetical situation, over with the nearest returned missionary you can find.
Please keep in mind that one Gordon B. Hinckley wanted to come home too. His dad said no way, Jose, or something like that. And look how he turned out.
Now accepting advice.
30 comments:
By inviting us to look at how Gordon B. Hinckley turned out, do you mean dead?
As you may be able to tell, I'm still dealing with some of the issues I have with the church that surfaced during my mission. I'm serious.
Religious conflicts aside, I'd say that it's an invaluable experience for a young man from suburban US to be jammed into another culture. A mission's not the only way to accomplish that, though.
I'd tell my hypothetical son that he could either finish his mission (with or without a testimony, which doesn't matter as much to me) or do two years in the Peace Corps or Teach for America or some such volunteer organization.
That, or expect no financial support of any kind from any source but his own two hands.
Not sure my approach would yield the results you're after, though.
Talk to Evan. Was it the same kind of depression?
Our friend Mark who grew up in Arizona, the youngest child in an affluent family was debating whether or not to even go on a mission but his dad sat him down and said, "Mark, we're Mormons. That's what we do." Mark went, and so have his two sons since then. A little different than your hypothetical situation, true. But there are some good things to be said about sticking, if for no other reason than knowing that one CAN stick it out and make it through the tough times.
That should read, "sticking it out."
My word verification on the previous comment was "underse." That's a reflexive Spanish verb, right RD?
Looks like one, but isn't. That is, it has the reflexive pronoun on the end and the form of an infinitive, but as far as I know, under isn't a word en español.
Or were you kidding?
Shawn, if you want to talk more about this, you can call me.
Thanks guys. I welcome any other input from others too.
RD, I do want to talk to you so I will call probably tonight. I'm off to speak at a funeral. I didn't have time to write a talk so Greg wrote it for me. What a guy!
Greg and I are feeling more and more strongly that he should stick it out. Greg told him as much in this last email but he won't read that until Monday. He needs to do something hard. We think that's the meat of the whole thing, actually. This is the first hard thing he has had to do.
RD - I was joking. Once I said "bare" my testimony (without the quotation marks) in a comment, too, and I think that either no one noticed or they thought I didn't know the correct word. :>) My humor is just soooo subtle, right? Or stupid. Now, we're talkin'.
Jokes aside, there ARE multiple definitions of the reflexive Spanish berb (aka verb)underse:
1. to put on one's own underwear
2. to search under one's own bed for lost socks
3. to underwrite one's own business loan
4. what happens to the business of one who has underwritten one's own loan
I appreciate your humor, Nicea. Probably because I make the same kinds of jokes :) I like the definitions of your berb. He he. Mom, you know I'm here for you if you want to call and vent or talk about anything. I've never been a parent before (except when I was being Loren's second mom), so I don't have much in the way of words of wisdom. I'll just keep praying. I love you!
I actually like your comment on this RD. If he decides that the mission is not for him, we all need to have the freedom to make that decision, let him know that he has to do something else to make up for it. Let him know he gets no free ride when he gets home and that it is going to be hard whether he is in America or in Germany because life is hard.
If you get tough on a kid and make him stick it out (if we can), what are the chances he will rebel? I think Greg would have a better chance at being tough on him than I would. He's not used to Greg being tough. He knows I've got his number.
Here is the email Greg sent to Loren that he will receive Monday:
Hi Loren,
I read the email you sent mom. I know you are still struggling but let me give you a few suggestions. First, get the idea of coming home out of your head. As long as you keep dangling the "home" carrot in front of your nose you will not be able to take your mind off of it. Just put home out of your mind. Second, you need to mentally unpack your bags. If you really immerse yourself in the work you will start to forget about home. Third, don't think about how long you have left to serve in your mission. I remember growing up when my dad gave me a full row of beets to hoe. The rows seemed endless and the weeds seemed as hard to pull as trees. The task to get through to the end seemed insurmountable. All I wanted to do was to sit down and give up. Then I found that if I had a friend to talk to that time seemed to go faster. If I got a little discouraged and lagged behind, he would help me until I caught up and I would do the same for him. I also found that the worse thing I could ever do was to look up to see how far I had to go. The key was to just keep my head down and look only a few feet ahead where the next few weeds were that needed to be pulled. Be glad you have a companion with whom to share your time. Get to know him and enjoy his company. He can help you and you can help him get through the tough times. Look forward only to the next day rather than focusing on how long you have left in your mission. The fourth suggestion is to learn to love the people. You have the opportunity to meet people who could be your friends for the rest of your life. Take advantage of that opportunity. Write thank-you notes to people and express appreciation for their service and friendship. Help make someone's day by doing something special for them. Try all of these things. We look forward to your call at Christmas.
Love,
DAD
We also have been given permission as of today to feel free to call and encourage him--the Pres. gave us his number. What do you think?
i don't have any advice for parents, either, but if i could imagine myself in loren's position, i might get some comfort from hearing a couple of things:
#1: you don't have to feel guilty or sorry that you're having a hard time. sad, dark feelings come to most people (read: everyone). if not now, then someday.
#2: feelings don't have to be the boss of you.
#3: when you're ready to see the silver lining, you might find that your hard experience will give you new empathy for others. you will be uniquely able to help them when that time comes.
my prayers too. love you guys.
what sc said.
yeah. what rd and what sc said. and mom. and uncle greg rocks.
my love and prayers, too.
You, oh you, can solve this problem.*
I love what you all have said. You have helped me more than you know.
You are the best in the west and all the world.
*see post title
Snap on me!--totally thought the "d" word you were talking about was "doubt."
That other "d" sucks, too. I just assumed it was par for the course for missionaries, though. Every single one I ever met had the "d" you're talking about to some degree. Most of the missionaries in my mission were on some kind of medication or other because they'd had breakdowns overseas. I should have been!
Wow! That is an amazing statistic. You're right. Both "d" words suck. So does another "d" word: dementia.
Gotta go to my "d" job now. Figure out what that one stands for. Not death list. That would be "dl".
I don't have much advice, but I will pray for him to decide what's best for him.
I definitely think that Uncle Greg has a way of saying things that is the exact way that Loren needs to hear it.
I can see how it will be hard for him since this is the first hard thing he has had to do, but if he does stick it out, I'm sure he will be glad he did.
I have pretty much noticed that I am a comment killer (really-ask my mom, i told her that i noticed it). So this may be your last bit of advice (or lack there of). Just know I've been thinking about what to say over the last few days, and I just want you to know that I love your little Glenn family. You guys have been so fun to be with while we were growing up, and are still fun to be with. We love you, and will be thinking of you.
someone else please comment now!
sorry, comment killer. you're on your own.
d'oh!
I spent two months in TN before I got my Italian VISA. When I got to Italy I didn't understand what people where saying, my comp was super hard working and very obedient, but not very sensitive (as is generally the case with most 19-20 yr olds). I didn't know what food to buy, or how to manage this new currency. In short, everything was different. No letter from home were able to penetrate the Italian postal service for more than a month.
Krista had told me to "savor the flavor of unfamiliar, like a strong cheese" but I was miserable the first several weeks, and all I could think about was going back to TN. I felt like there had been some horrible mistake and I was stuck in this foreign country where I didn't know anyone and had no lifeline. I was dizzy, scared, and close to tears on several occasions.
I don't know exactly how long it took for things to change but eventually they did. Little by little Italy became fascinating to me. All the little differences got smaller and bless his soul the ward mission (Enzo) really took me under his wing. We still chat sometimes, he is a remarkable man.
Finally, I was able to focus on my favorite part of Krista's poem. I don't have the exact lines in front of me, and I guess it is still a soft spot for me since I am about to lose it while I write this. The idea was that as I work through this pain and adjust to this foreign place I will look up and see the smile on my "Friend's face" and it will be "as real as I remembered it." (Quotations are more of a paraphrase, though I think those are the exact lines.)
Krista never articulates who the "Friend" was but I think she wanted to let us put in whomever we though was most important. I think most missionaries probably focus in on the same person. I was no exception.
Shawn, I'm not sure that I have been tried by the "d" as much as many have (not doubt, da**, or depression) but I have been discouraged. Does this sound like what Loren is experiencing?
Love you guys. My security word was "ingrop." Fun. Now to figure out how to use it in a sentence.
Sorry that last post was me, not Meg. :)
My security word was wiledess. FUN AGAIN!
wow, i sure gave brian some stinky cheese advice -- lucky for me he had the grace to turn it into something helpful. thanks, b.
b-hal, I'm pretty sure that this was the "Friend" K——— was talking about.
ARMUCTI!!!
holy hilarious. that image will never leave me.
Shawn, I think what Greg wrote is unbelievably positive and just downright awesome! What a wonderful perspective and to encourage your son not to miss out on what could be the most wonderful experiences he'll ever encounter. My prayers are with you at this time. xoxo Susan T
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